Blur?

"The scene is set and the book could not have captivated my attention any greater. It was a warm night, a few sweeping days and it was over. He is sorry that he could not have told you all of his secrets and all the weight he was carrying on his back. He wanted to tell you to run but it felt too good when you stayed. You couldn’t rescue him, no one could at the time. Layer upon layer the story unfolded and Miss Hepburn only stayed to see part of it. So I said “yes” to all of it, knowing that I couldn’t find salvation here just like the character. You didn’t know what you were doing, I wasn’t going to be the one to tell you. You’re right, I needed a savior. I needed someone to help me out of the mire that I had dug myself in, but it couldn’t have been you. Then the lines began to blur and the answers I had simply became more questions for both of us.

So you tried to save his life. You threw him a line to try to keep him afloat, but what you didn’t see is that he had cement blocks on his feet, cement he had put mixed and poured and placed his own feet in. And no matter how hard you tried to pull him up, it was impossible. He just stayed in the water with this smile that looked at you both with sympathy, self-awareness, but for the most part silently pleading for help.

So you believed in fate and now you are second guessing it, well you can still believe because I was never supposed to be in the picture; Destiny told me to leave you alone and I didn’t listen. I knew I was never supposed to be in those photographs, but I posed, smiling, with our arms around each other like we were a small family. And I am sorry. I hope one day you look back and believe again in fate but never again believe in me. I wish I could erase all of your memories, I wish our paths would not have crossed for your sake. But here I walk away, leaving you with a face full of tears, and me with more questions than when I first arrived. Forever to wander." 

---Anchor & Braille - from the album "Felt", Blur

If you truly look at yourself, you can probably relate to these different view points that go along with this writing. These are based off of a book, so I am not sure if they are fictional or not. With how deep they really feel, I would venture to say that it is all for real. The book mentioned in this series of writing is called "Eleven Minutes". 

Looking at myself, I have cemented my feet to the bottom of the floor, waiting to be pulled out. But, that is the problem, waiting. I am in a "Blur" of my own. Not knowing what the future will hold. To be honest, I hate this feeling. It is testing me, testing my patience. I have also been pulled into things where no salvation is found. You know it even before you get pulled into it. You actually are not even pulled in, you walk into it. It is like walking into a booby-trap and already knowing it. It is the same as digging your own grave. But who, just who, might be able to pull you out? 

The lines begin to blur. The answers become more questions. How is this? 

The lyrics go like this:

"Take me down to where you think I belong

You can't rescue me, you ain't that strong
You don't know no better,
I'm not going to tell you any better
Can you turn this pale water to wine
If you can do that baby
I think we'll be fine
But you can't raise a sinner
And its not me but honesty thats died
Blurring lines between love and sin
Can't tell where you stop and where I begin
My bodies sending questions to answers you can't give
If you throw me a line I'll only drag you in
This ain't New York City and the ice is thin
Kept me up all night
I'd be gone by the moment it struck daylight
You believe in fate but now you think there lies
I never meant to hurt a soul alive
I'm still searching for what you can't give
And the further I wonder the less i know that is
Blurring lines between love and sin
Can't tell where you stop and where I begin
My bodies sending promises that I cannot keep
Well we are bluring lines between love and sin can't tell
Where you stop or where I begin
My bodies sending question to answers you can't give
or can you give?"

Why are the lines blurry? Why oh why? 

My explanation, my own feeling: I have taken my focus off of salvation, and put God in a box. We are looking for stuff to pull us out of the mess we are in. It isn't working. Getting upset at people and things isn't working. The line we are throwing to each other, or even our selves can't pull us out of the mess we are in. Take away the worthless layers you put on yourself. Say "no" to sin. Take away all the fear and expectation and let God be in control. I am not in control of what tomorrow brings. I am not in control of the obstacles I will face. Trust is the only thing that can erase these blurring lines. 

-Kale 

A New Year, A New Set of Ideas, A New Start. New. New. New?

New Year 2010 started off at my house with waking up next to someone. Waking up to people in my house (No I was not getting robbed or anything of that sort). It was something different, but it was probably the best new year day I have ever had. I woke up next to my role model and cousin, Colin. He and his family has spent the night at my house on the 31st and left on the 1st. 'A great time' would be an understatement to describe the experience. It was a great way to end a year of pain. It was a great way to start a new year off.

2009 was probably one of the worst times in my life. We had all agreed that 2010 would be better. It was in fact better. It was a lot better. I find my self wondering why we keep track of the time in years. How much does December 31st separate from January 1st? Is it time to start over? Is it really time to start something new? Its just the months starting over, its just us growing older. Why do i say this? I say this because it is just the next day. It is just the next breath. It is just the next heart beat in this life of the sun setting and rising. People have these New Year's resolutions every single year. Are you just going to wait until the new year to do these things? Why? That is my question. Start now. Just go do it. Why must you wait until the date changes? Have a resolution now, today, any day. Why make your new year better, when you can make the year that is in place better? If we had a new resolution every day, think of how we would change.

You have to want to change, you have to want to have a resolution. Do we expect to change on our own? Expectations are something we have much of. They change as time goes along. I read this about a month ago and was very inspired.


"in life we have so many expectations. we think we know what a family trip, friendship, committed relationship, or career is going to be like because we have built up this huge story line with an amazing ending in our heads. we may have seen it on TV, or in a movie, or read it in a book, or just our wild daydreams, but reality is much different then our imagination shows it to be. even 'reality television' is scripted. 

we need to become a blank canvas, or a film not yet shot, to truly enjoy what we have later in life. we should not attempt to paint a picture of the eiffel tower before we have been there, it only leads to disappointment and heartache. what we have and hold dear in our head is just that, its in our head. when we project and fantasize how we want our boyfriend/girlfriend, husband/wife to be or act before we even meet them we have already ensnared them into a jail or box that they may never want to be caged in. allow them to be who they are, and fall in love with them for them. the more expectations that you thrust on them to be who you want the more disappointment you will live with day in and day out."
--- www.modesty.blogspot.com

My expectation: I am going to become open. Be open, become a blank canvas, a film in the making, and just truly enjoy life. 

I am all to often disappointed and full of heartache. Its because I am looking for something different than what comes my way. I think of the things that will really happen. I am a total realist. This is what disappoints me. Out of the ordinary can happen. A new mind set is what I realize needs to happen. I need to be the 'out of the ordinary'. I need to be the change I want to see. 

So lets start this year off with a blank canvas, shall we? 

-Kale