I have to admit I was never in love, but only the idea of love.
Selfishness flooded every part and desire in me.
The idea was what consumed me.
I was never honest.
I was never worthy to be trusted.
It worked out the way it should have.
The love for the idea has always been there.
My heart was miles from yours yet close enough to be caught on fire.
I was looking for ways around your flaws.
I was looking for an island to hold on to.
I tried passing the lighthouse with a broken light.
But along the way I was caught in the rocks. Pity.
Now with you I hung on your tongue like a flame.
Every word you didn't speak was a thousand years of regret.
Every word you did speak built a tower with no foundation.
Your actions might have well been the straw that broke the camel's back.
You were the needle in the hay stack, I found it and put it back.
Now your gone in the wind, never knowing if you'll be back.
A new scent will surely come.
There were no words that gave my heart rest.
I tried and tried to be the best.
I let you go like a bottle in the sea.
Trying to find your way through the storms and tides.
All the time wishing you'd wash up by my side.
But you're anchored to the bottom, and I'm too scared to swim.
Drowning in the life you created, you can't pull yourself up.
Happiness is what you wanted, now silence is your loudest sound.
Now this time it was all my fault.
I put you there when I shouldn't have.
I beat you when I shouldn't have.
I tried to cover it up, but you saw right through.
I denied you. I rejected you.
I didn't even know you or love you at all.
I tried to go on without and I couldn't.
I tried to ignore you and still you showed up and called me out.
Like a summer storm the rain came and clouds were dark.
The clouds beckoned a roar and put up a fight.
The next day the sun was faithful to shine through.
Everything I did you let go.
I'm still learning to love and have faith in you.
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails."
- Kale
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Monday, October 3, 2011
March 11, 2009... Part 2
It took me a while to be able to write this. Reflecting back on tragedy seems to bring out emotion, and something to be thankful for. So let this begin. If you haven't read part 1 do so here: http://calmcadence.blogspot.com/2011/03/march-11-2009-day-i-dont-normally-talk.html
Friday March 20th 2009 -
I woke up around my family in a hotel room down near the outskirts of town. We hurried to get ready in the morning, being five of us in a room meant for two. I remember getting ready that morning not knowing what to expect in the few hours when we would make that walk into the church sanctuary. I put my cloths on feeling underdressed. I wore a white button up shirt with jeans. We grabbed our stuff and walked out of the hotel lobby. We then proceeded to our car tired and weary from the other day's journey. We pulled up to the church, parking fairly far away because of the many people at this memorial service. We walked past the funeral car (I forget the name), and then into the foyer of the church. The spirits were up a bit from the previous day, but still everyone was sorrowful and full of greif. Perhaps the most shocking thing was seeing all of the people that came to the event. Too many to count in fact.
We went in to the sanctuary to find seats; there I remember sitting on the very outside of those red chairs on the diagonal left side. The stage was in plain view and so was the casket. The smell of flowers filled the entire room with an unforgettable fragrance. The service began, with music playing and preacher preaching. It wasn't exactly what you would expect. Somehow with all people, God and death are related, but that in itself is a whole other subject. The slideshow of my cousin's life in pictures began to play. As the pictures grew closer to the end of his life the tears began to flow more intensely. Then began the family members giving a speech. It wasn't of persuasion, because death of course is certain. They told what they remembered of him. They spoke of the good times. Even some of the bad. There was no way a grown man could even control a tear from falling. Yet I was far beyond that point. My throat was swelled up, as I was gasping for air, bawling my eyes out. I was only 14 years old at the time.
The palm bearers then began the treck to that fatal trunk of the Cadillac. The car drove away with the blue casket with red roses and a hedge of flowers on top. The close family and friends arrived at the cemetery. Some knowing already what to expect. The last words of the family were hard to bear, but saying good bye was the hardest part. Click, click, click, click, click, click was the only noise made when we watched the grave be filled. Everyone began walking away. I was there still, staring, wanting one more glimpse. Colin was there, and so was Caleb. I remember that moment as we stood by, with looks of helplessness on our faces. We walked away and went back to the house. Alcohol was on mostly everyone's legal aged minds. I could see why.
The mood was definitely better the rest of that Friday. The confirmation and closure were complete. It was time for jokes, stories, and laughter. Not like there hadn't been before, but they were just more prevalent. Some individuals went for a walk to a wildlife preserve near by, however Colin and I had other ideas. We went on top of the roof, for absolutely no reason at all. Heck, why not? It was the beginning of going back to normal, however normal would always have a huge, gaping whole in it. Time doesn't erase scars, it simply hides them from the mind. However there is always newness in Christ. Tragedy shapes the character, morals define it, and love makes it.
-Kale
Friday March 20th 2009 -
I woke up around my family in a hotel room down near the outskirts of town. We hurried to get ready in the morning, being five of us in a room meant for two. I remember getting ready that morning not knowing what to expect in the few hours when we would make that walk into the church sanctuary. I put my cloths on feeling underdressed. I wore a white button up shirt with jeans. We grabbed our stuff and walked out of the hotel lobby. We then proceeded to our car tired and weary from the other day's journey. We pulled up to the church, parking fairly far away because of the many people at this memorial service. We walked past the funeral car (I forget the name), and then into the foyer of the church. The spirits were up a bit from the previous day, but still everyone was sorrowful and full of greif. Perhaps the most shocking thing was seeing all of the people that came to the event. Too many to count in fact.
We went in to the sanctuary to find seats; there I remember sitting on the very outside of those red chairs on the diagonal left side. The stage was in plain view and so was the casket. The smell of flowers filled the entire room with an unforgettable fragrance. The service began, with music playing and preacher preaching. It wasn't exactly what you would expect. Somehow with all people, God and death are related, but that in itself is a whole other subject. The slideshow of my cousin's life in pictures began to play. As the pictures grew closer to the end of his life the tears began to flow more intensely. Then began the family members giving a speech. It wasn't of persuasion, because death of course is certain. They told what they remembered of him. They spoke of the good times. Even some of the bad. There was no way a grown man could even control a tear from falling. Yet I was far beyond that point. My throat was swelled up, as I was gasping for air, bawling my eyes out. I was only 14 years old at the time.
The palm bearers then began the treck to that fatal trunk of the Cadillac. The car drove away with the blue casket with red roses and a hedge of flowers on top. The close family and friends arrived at the cemetery. Some knowing already what to expect. The last words of the family were hard to bear, but saying good bye was the hardest part. Click, click, click, click, click, click was the only noise made when we watched the grave be filled. Everyone began walking away. I was there still, staring, wanting one more glimpse. Colin was there, and so was Caleb. I remember that moment as we stood by, with looks of helplessness on our faces. We walked away and went back to the house. Alcohol was on mostly everyone's legal aged minds. I could see why.
The mood was definitely better the rest of that Friday. The confirmation and closure were complete. It was time for jokes, stories, and laughter. Not like there hadn't been before, but they were just more prevalent. Some individuals went for a walk to a wildlife preserve near by, however Colin and I had other ideas. We went on top of the roof, for absolutely no reason at all. Heck, why not? It was the beginning of going back to normal, however normal would always have a huge, gaping whole in it. Time doesn't erase scars, it simply hides them from the mind. However there is always newness in Christ. Tragedy shapes the character, morals define it, and love makes it.
-Kale
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